Way back in October 2014, I posted a brief blurb on Facebook about Asexual Awareness Week, mentioning that I identify as demisexual. For those who are unfamiliar, this means that I do not experience sexual attraction of any kind unless there is a well-established emotional connection. After years of not connecting to the budding sexuality of my friends and peers, occasionally developing those kinds of feelings for my close lady friends (and quickly suppressing them), and only ever being sexually attracted to my partner of nearly three years (the effervescent Davis), I was so excited when I found support among other ace-spectrum people.* At the same time, I also felt that there was something else missing from the whole equation of my being.
Being a girl has, from my earliest recollection, been a weird thing. I’ve always had an awareness and comfortability with my body as a female body, but not so much with the social component of femininity. Being a girl in the social sense has always been forced and uncomfortable. I have had persistent difficulty relating to the imposed expectations of womanhood and find myself thinking of myself as separate, as other. The best way to describe my feelings would be as an outside observer that’s trying to blend in.
I’ve recently decided to embrace the otherness and to stop trying to force myself into a gender binary that is both manmade and incompatible with who I am. I am a non-binary person, meaning that I don’t identify with a gender. To clarify further, I identify with aspects of femininity, but not entirely. This is also known as being a demigirl (I’m sorry if this is confusing/difficult). Feminine and neutral ‘they’ pronouns are both acceptable. The good news is, I’m still Allie. The better news is, I’m happy about it.
To those of you who are my family and feel that I should have told you face to face, you’re allowed to be upset. But please honour this part of me and I’ll do my best to answer any questions that you have. Also, if you know me intimately, you know that I articulate myself the best through words and this was the easiest way for me.
Some may view this as arbitrary, but finding the language that fits who I am are hugely important to me and to representation of queer people in Christian spaces. Please know that I am not the sum of my parts, that I am still Allie, I still love Jesus with all my heart, and this is simply who I am. Don’t be afraid to contact me if you want to discuss more.
*For those of you who were wondering if I’m still “straight”, the answer is no, not really